Wednesday, February 28, 2007

A Letter to "Deej"

To "Deej," One of the greasy-haired, emebellished-accent, baggy-sweatpantsed, foul-mouthed, meatheads who felt the need to mock me on my run today-

Deej, buddy. Sorry to adress this letter to you, alone. It is, after all, meant for all three of you gentlement whose sheltered little corner of Jersey City I happened to interrupt as I passed the campus of St. Peter's College on my run today. It just so happens that yours was the only name I caught as you and your "bros" cajoled eachother whilst dropping racial epithets and homophobic slurs while mocking me for my running attire, my shamefulness in daring to exercise. Most of your conversation sounded as if it was being spoken with marbles in your mouths, but I am pretty sure I caught a few "N-bombs" (despite all of your painfully apparent whiteness) at least three "fags" and of course, you pointing at my underarmour shirt, and mocking the fact that I was trying to keep tempo while stuck at a red light. Look, man, I appreciate the fact that you came to Jersey City hoping to urbanize your otherwise insignificant and boring suburban Maplewood existence. I can empathize. But some of us move to urban areas to avoid ignorant cliche sons of bitches like you. We embrace the diversity, and respect the fact that on any given time, we might be standing next to someone who would dare to be black, or gay, or GOD FORBID, a person who exercises. I understand this may not be your thing (it's pretty obvious, even with those baggy pants that you haven't hit the treadmill since high school gym class.) I respect the fact that it's tough for you and your bros to "score with the bitches" in Uggs and Juicy Couture at parties on Friday nights when you don't have that prototypical chubby-faced, cap-popped-sideways, absurd bling-rocking swagger. It's an identity (just like every other suburban white kid who attends your college, and aims to look hip.) But here's a tip. Chicks might dig it if you actually stopped dicking around with your friends playing PS3 and got off your ass and shed the baby fat. Seriously, bro, put down the Whopper.

Back to tonight, though. I'm awfully sorry shit had to get confrontational. It's just I take it personally when people mock me for minding my own business. And I take particular offense, too, when people are inconsiderate to others for no fucking reason what-so-ever. People were rolling their eyes at you, Dee, I was embarassed for you. So I know it wasn't clever of me to tell you to "get a fucking life." I wish I had it in me to come up with something a little more witty, but, alas, as I mentioned, I was in the middle of a six mile run. I was tired. Your response however, to "eat shit, faggot," was not only unclever, it was down right comical (in a way that you hadn't intended it to be...even if your friends were all giggly.) See I actually eat pretty round meals (maybe a little more carbs than your average Joe, but mostly because I need them to run, y'know, exercise, without breaking down.) Furthermore, that finger that I flashed in your direction? Right next to it was a wedding ring. I probably shouldn't get in to the tendency for men with latent gay tendencies to repress their emotions for so long that they eventually become the most agressive type of homophobe their is: the self-loathing gay. I'm sure you know about all that already.

So, Deej, my main bro, my advice to you is to get your shit together. Fortunately for you, your childish antics only caused a small uncomfortable run-in this time around. Next time you might be dropping the n-bomb or a homophobic slur around the wrong crowd. After all, we aren't in Maplewood anymore. Also, word to the wise: the whole baggy pants thing is done. Both the white people you inexplicably mock, and the black culture icons whom you desperately try to emulate have realized that pants that actually fit are not only more common-sensical, they are also more comfortable, and fashionable. Be careful out there, Deej. I know the corridors of the St. Peter's Dorms can be a tough place. But just think about this next time you are out and about with your bros: people like you are the reason people "from away" give NJ such a bad rap. They think we are all macho-meathead-assclowns like you, even if most of us are far from it. In fact, I'd venture a guess that outside of your two lackeys, everybody you came into contact with today really wishes you would move to Texas or Mississippi, where crap like that is tolerated.


At 8:33 AM, Anonymous Brian said...

Heh. 'Deej' was also the nickname of D J Tanner, aka 1980's all time hotty Miss Candice Cameron

At 9:26 AM, Blogger g.m.s. said...


This small fact did not go unnoticed. I believe they had a dog named Comet, whom you then named your dog after, no?

At 12:39 PM, Anonymous JRFN said...

While Deej may in fact be young, in my opinion he is neither fly nor flashy

At 5:15 AM, Anonymous Brian said...

Yeah, the mutherfuckers stole that from us, and put it on a golden retriever too- in my opinion the worst of the dog species.


Post a Comment

<< Home