Tuesday, August 29, 2006

i could not get through september without a battle

Phil Elvrum said it best. The Glow is gone. I can't watch this team anymore. I don't feel like a bad fan. I would feel like a bad fan if I continued to support this horseshit. Who wants to pay 40 bucks a month for the Extra Innings Package just to watch three innings of the shadow of their favorite team getting blown out before flipping over to see how your Fantasy QB is doing in his preseason debut. I am more excited about my fantasy QB and his bum knee than I am about the Sox in September. Stop this, now! So the season is done. I am not going to go into the details of why because

A) it's painful
B) ESPN is making it their job to rub this salt in the wound, so if you really care to know you can tune into PTI or Around The Horn, where undoubtedly the discussion will go something like this:

Tony Reali: Welcome Back to Around the Horn, the Sports Show of Competitive Banter. Word out of Beantown is that David Ortiz's heartbeat is irregular. What say you, Mariotti? Have the Sox playoff hopes gone the way of Ortiz and Manny's Bill-of-Health? That is to say, SPLAAA-DOOOOOOSHH?!

Mariotti (with overzealous smacking of right hand into left palm, intermittenly interrupted by flailing shrugs): How can you say it isn't Reali?!! I mean, look at the situation, here!! You've got Ortiz having heart failure 90 minutes before a game, Nixon, Varitek (the HEART OF THE TEAM!) on the D.L. Beckett's been ineffective! MANNY's Being Manny!! The Manager has lost the team, Management didn't go out and get them the pieces. Guy's are giving up!! Manny's being Manny! This Crisp guy has been a bust! I mean you gotta wonder if this isn't the curse of Johnny Damon coming back to haunt them. And you know, Reali, you got Manny being Manny--

Woody Hayes: Absolutely not! What nobody here is realizing is that this team is not David Ortiz' team. They aren't Manny's team. This team is Willis Moo Piniero's team. Look at the games, guys. They go the way of this young stud. As long as Piniero is there, and Arroyo is anchoring the back of the staff, they'll be ok. It's always the Yankees and the Red Sox in the Palyoffs.

Bill Plaschke: Yeah but Woody, but Woody, but Woody! You gotta understand you have a guy like Ortiz out of your lineup the season's over, I mean this is like the A-Team with Out Mr. T., or--

Woody: Or Los Angeles without an NFL team

(Group Chuckle)

Plaschke: But guys, but guys! Mariotti's right, I mean, this is the season the Sox were supposed to beat the Yankees. They were 4 games up. They were gonna finally reverse the Curse!

Ughhh! Kill me now. Is it saying something that I actually miss Michael Holley's presence on that show? So back to the point: the season is over. I guess this will allow me to focus on more important things: like my dog, my wife, or my search for a new home. Still a man needs some extracurriculars to keep his head on straight.

What to Do when you have Less Confidence in Your Team's Playoff Chances than the American Public has in George Bush

From CNN.com:

Who would win a debate on world issues between President Bush and Iranian President Ahmadinejad?

Bush 38%
9632 votes

Ahmadinejad 62%
15776 votes

Total: 25408 votes

My confidence in the Sox playoffs chances are nowhere near 38%. In fact, the chances are about the same as the chances that "The Decider" Takes up Ahmadinejad's offer: .0002 testicle-hairs of a percent.

So I have to find some other kind of important things to do:

1.) Play with Dog
2.) Buy new house
3.) Talk to Wife
4.) Watch Rescue Me . Seriously, if you aren't watching this show yet, there is something wrong with you. Here is all you need to know: It is a show about NY Firefighters; One is banging a nun.; One is banging a woman who looks like his 10 year old daughter; One is banging an illegal from Jamaica; And one is banging his ex-wife, who's also banging his brother (well was until his brother got shot.)
5.) Revel in the joy of other fans whose teams are NOT from the Bronx.
6.) Call old friends, meet for good beers by the water.
7.) Notre Dame Football. It always comes back to sports.


At 3:18 PM, Blogger jake said...

First of all, listening to that Microphones album on headphones is like a psychadelic experience. Amazing album.

I have this image of the red sox now where David Ortiz hobbles down the hospital hallway on a walker with wires sticking out of his chest and into Jon Lester's room, where they have the following conversation:

Big Papi: "How you doing, man?"
Lester: "Not so good. How you doing?"
Big Papi: "Not so good."

(Awkward silence)

I feel for you. I've never seen a team self-destruct so much in such a short period of time. I mean they're not just losing ballgames, their facing life-threatening ailments. Crazy.

Also, not sure if you know this already, but I changed my blog URL. Brian's got the new one linked on his blog.

If you need a pick me up, just watch 1st and 10 with Skip Bayless. He'll be sure to take the opposite angle from everyone else just to try and be different, no matter inane it may be. Something along the lines of:

"I think Terry Francona has this team right where he wants them. This team is built for September. Francona doesn't want the pressure of trying to catch the Yankees. There's a reason he started Jason Johnson to open that Yankees series: he wanted them to lose! I believe Theo Epstein made up the Lester has cancer rumors just to allow this team to relax. They'll win the wild card by five games. It's the Yankees who are in trouble. They're peaking at the wrong time! Oakland will sweep them out of the playoffs in the first round."

Incredibly, he'll say all this while looking spectacular in a striped orange and green shirt with an enormous oversized collar.


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